When Faith Falls Apart
By Thomas Lazo, MFT Trainee
In the past 10 years in the United States, the number of adults who identify as Christians has steadily decreased, and the number of adults who do not identify with any religion has steadily increased (See statistics here). More than just a social trend, behind these statistics are stories of everyday people whose identities and relationships have gone through major changes, and sometimes major conflicts.
Although this is a significant social shift, there is no single word to describe what happens when belief systems collapse. Sometimes researchers use terms like “deconversion” or “disaffiliation” to express that someone is no longer part of a religion. However, many people have drastic changes to their faith but still use faith-based terms to describe their beliefs. Because of this many people like the term “deconstruction.” For example, someone may be a Baptist, but then after deconstruction they may stop affirming the same beliefs they had as a Baptist, but still consider themselves to be a Christian. One author uses the term deconstruction/reconstruction to illustrate that this change is not just about losing beliefs, it is also about coming to a new way of thinking, living, and relating. Other people simply prefer to just avoid labels altogether. They may be open to many different possibilities, and not feel the need to express certainty. They may be comfortable holding questions without needing an answer, or may sense that their beliefs are still in flux.
Whether you or a loved one has deconverted, is going through deconstruction, or does not feel at home in either belief or unbelief, the reality is that your relationships will likely change as faith identities shift. Sometimes relationships adapt well to these changes, but many times there are conflicts that lead to serious emotional hurt.
Religious faith is not just a question of what someone believes, it is also a question of where they find belonging. Faith is not just a list of beliefs; it is also an intricate network of relationships. These relationships can impact every part of life: how you determine right from wrong, how you view the past and future, how you spend your time, where you find purpose, how you make important decisions, how you experience joy, and how you experience sorrow. Beliefs, identity, and relationships are connected. When one changes, the others usually adapt and change as well.
Sometimes the consequence of a loss of belief is also a loss of belonging. In some cases, it can be extreme: marriages can end up in divorce, families have disowned children, and people have lost their jobs. Often people of faith have social networks that only include other people of faith. If their beliefs change, they might find themselves in a very lonely place. The people who said they loved them unconditionally might no longer reach out to them socially. Even if they do reach out, they may want to argue theology instead of having a friendly conversation. What started as changing beliefs may end up feeling like being rejected from a community.
Looking at this experience from the other side, there can be intense fear that a loved one who has left a faith is in danger of eternal judgment. There can also be a sense of sadness or betrayal about losing a spiritual connection with a loved one. This may be someone who has prayed with you, sung with you, shared spiritual insights with you, and has been part of your holiday traditions. It might feel more like a personal rejection than a spiritual change.
Think about how difficult these relationships can be to navigate! Even though two people love each other and want to stay in relationship, they can both feel rejected by each other and alienate each other. Both people are trying with sincerity to pursue a deeper understanding of truth, both people may want to pursue a deeper bond in their relationship, but both people may also have negative emotions that they have trouble expressing.
Faith deconstruction does not inevitably lead to relationship destruction, but it takes work to resolve the conflicts that often arrive when big changes happen. People come to therapy for assistance with life transitions like leaving home, getting married, having kids, and retiring. Faith deconstruction is another major life transition that can benefit from therapy. As faith deconstruction becomes more common, it is worthwhile to prepare in advance for the feelings that may arise if you or someone you love begins to experience big changes in what you believe or where you feel you belong. The people that you rely on to talk through these changes with may be the very relationships that need help. Finding support outside of your social circle can be an important step.