Survival and Connection Tips for Stressed Parents and Kids

by Hannah Ngaihte, MFT Trainee

 

Pandemic Roller Coaster

As Covid cases decrease, vaccinations increase, and businesses “go back to normal”, we might expect our stress levels to decrease, our peace to increase, and our lives to regain normalcy.  However, with massive uncertainty and numerous decisions still to make for our families, this is not the likely reality for most of us just yet.

This past year has been like riding a roller coaster, blindfolded.  We’ve passed several unexpected drops and managed to survive, yet we have no idea whether to brace ourselves for another plummet, or to relax for a peaceful track up ahead. If you have children, you must not only ensure your own survival, but seek to care for the mixed emotions and responses of the young people in your roller coaster car. When you don’t know what to expect around the next bend, how can you possibly be adequately equipped to assist the children in your care?

 

Developmental Impacts

As a parent, living in a pandemic-stricken world has never become ‘easy’ or ‘familiar’.  Each stage brings its own uncertainty, decisions, concerns for your children and family, and varying reactions from children. Your children have grown an entire year’s worth during the pandemic, and you may find yourself worried that your child’s social and emotional development may not match up to their physical gains.  

 

Children’s Struggles

Through my work with parents and children in therapy, education, and observation, I’d like to highlight some common struggles your children may be facing at this time:

 

LONELINESS:

Children and teens feel the isolation of not being able to physically interact with their classmates and friends. To compensate, many use videogames as a tool to interact with others. Some gaming partners may actually be true friends, but others may be people the child has never actually met in real life. While this helps to fill the void of interaction, these relationships are not as deep and fulfilling as real-life friendships. There are also dangers in talking to strangers online.  

 

Helpful Tips:

1. Talk to your child about the difficulty of being away from friends.  Acknowledge that this time is hard for them. Give kids permission to feel lonely, upset, frustrated, or any other emotions that may arise.  Most of all, LISTEN and encourage them to voice what this is like for them.  Offer empathy and understanding.
2. Brainstorm Together:  Are there creative ways to help your child connect with others?  Listen to their ideas.  Consider some of these:

• Connect with teachers: Suggest times in the week where children can break into small groups just to talk to one another. Face-to-face interaction, even on the computer, can help fulfill needs for peer connection.
• Safe Gatherings: Are there places you can gather safely? Try social distance playdates in a park with friends (or allow your teens to choose a few friends they’d like to see and reach out to them).  You may even create a ‘pod’ of individuals that you meet with more often. 

 

Online School Challenges

 

Helpful Tips:

1. Brain Breaks: Teach your children to be self-aware. If they notice themselves becoming tired, frustrated, or losing focus, it may be time for a brain break.  Brain breaks can be short—3 to 10 minutes depending on the child and situation—and ideally include physical activity, which stimulates your child’s brain.
2. Active Time: Identify activities that would be helpful for kids as a brain break.  Each child is different, and what works for one may not work for another. 

• Go for a short walk or run outside
• Do cartwheels, somersaults, handstands, jumping jacks
• Dance or sing to a favorite song
• Use timers to help kids with work time and play time
• Healthy snacks offer necessary energy as a brain-break or even to munch on while working. Let children know where to locate healthy snack options that they are free to grab on their own as needed.

Parents’ Concerns  

1.) Increased Screen Time: Since Covid-19, screen time for children has increased 50% (khn.org, 2021). With online schooling, pre-pandemic expectations around screen time are no longer realistic. Parents are concerned for their kids physical health: eyesight, limited movement, and sleep deficits. Mental health concerns include: increased moodiness, anxiety, depression, effects of lack of content control, and the impact of screen time on brain development.

2.) Content Control: While you cannot control everything your child sees, some restraints are important to ensure the safety and well-being of your child. Discuss the set boundaries and explain how they are in the best interest of the child. This website offers some helpful suggestions for parental controls on technology: https://www.commonsensemedia.org/blog/parents-ultimate-guide-to-parental-controls

Other useful recommendations: https://childmind.org/article/screen-time-during-the-coronavirus-crisis/

 

Helpful Tips:

1. Differentiate between online ‘nutrients’ (schooling, informative research) versus ‘candy’ (gaming, social media) (Wells, 2021).  Children do not have control over how much screen time they need to use for school.  Explain to your children the reason for limits on ‘candy’ time and employ the ‘when/then’ strategy (ex. When you finish your schoolwork in the morning, then you can have 30 minutes of screen time…)
2. Mentor and model healthy screen behaviors: With a positive attitude, follow and model the same ‘rules’ you set for your children. As much as possible, include children in the decision-making process and mentor them on why screen time limitation is important.
3. Recognize that gaming and social media are some of the only ways that children can connect with their friends in this time.  Developmentally, teenagers especially need healthy peer connections. Help kids find ways to connect with peers through boundaried screentime options, and creative ways to see friends safely (ex. a distanced gathering at a park wearing masks).

Mental Health Concerns

Depression/Anxiety:

Helpful Tips:

1. Heart, Mind, & Soul time: Designate 15-30 minutes each day in which you focus entire attention on your child.  Let them choose an activity to do (for younger kids, it may be playing a game or riding a bike together; older kids may choose to watch a show together or shoot basketball hoops) (McCready, 2021).  This time is critical to really get to know your child and prioritize your relationship with him or her.  Children are more likely to reveal deeper emotions or struggles while doing an activity with a trusted caregiver. 

 

Mental Health Support

Model expressing your own emotions: Children learn so much through watching you. Children often detect fears and worries through your body language, even when unspoken. Children learn by watching adults how to deal with difficult emotions. Be honest in a way that’s appropriate to their developmental levels and model emotional regulation, as in the following examples:

1. • Adult Role Models:  While it is important to let your children know that they can come to you with their problems (and that you will not judge or punish them), children need more options and may feel more comfortable expressing themselves to other adults. Provide opportunities for your children to develop relationships with a few adult role models in their lives. Adult role models could include: a friend’s parent, an aunt or uncle, a colleague, or a friend from church. Consider asking a couple of trusted adults if they would intentionally foster a friendship with your child.  
   • Seek professional support: If you are concerned that your child is anxious or depressed, consider seeking professional help from a therapist. While teenagers may initially be resistant to therapy, they often find it beneficial once forming a relationship with a therapist.  Help normalize therapy as a safe space to talk about things on their mind they might not tell others.